I saw a flash of movement to the right, and for only a millisecond saw the warning of what was about to happen.
A blurr. I could see my windows, but all that was beyond them was white. When I started to be able to focus I could see out of my window, but just barely – it was textured somehow, not clear like before.
‘Oh my god, we’re upside down!’ The realization hit me like a right hook. I put my hand on the roof instinctively, in a futile effort to keep the ceiling from crushing me. It had never occurred to me before this how close the roof of my SUV was to my head.
‘When are we going to stop sliding?’ I thought to myself; fear, panic, and an odd awareness filled me.
‘You’re all okay. You’re okay. You’re okay. . . ‘ it was loud and clear.
When we stopped sliding I didn’t pause for a moment. I don’t remember un-buckling my seat belt. I don’t even know if I did. I couldn’t see clearly, and yet – I was hyper-aware, my senses filling me.
That’s when my children started to scream.
‘It’s okay, mommy’s here – it’s okay honey, just hang on – mommy’s here – it’s okay – I’m right here. . . ‘
I tried to get out my side, but I was sitting on the ceiling in a pile of glass. The door won’t open. (Automatic locks.) I put my hand on the window – my vision so blurred I had to touch to see if it was there. Damn – it’s still there. I looked over and saw the passenger window blown out. I shot across the ceiling, through the glass, out the broken window. I didn’t care if it was jagged, if I was bleeding, I had to get to my kids.
As soon as I got out I saw about a dozen people walking toward the car. Why are they walking? I thought, extremely irritated.
‘MY KIDS ARE STILL IN THERE’ – I shouted to them. That got them running.
I immediately tried to open my older son’s door. It wouldn't open - Automatic locks again. Window didn’t break.
I could hear the baby screaming. Two people were trying to get at Logan, so I ran around to get the baby out. He was hanging upside down in his car seat. Reaching to me, screaming. It was extremely difficult to get him out upside down, his weight against the belts made them lock up. There was a man there trying to get him out but he couldn’t. I could see Logan on the other side of the car. He was looking at me, red-faced, screaming ‘mommy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.’ I tore through the belts and pulled Luke out the shattered window – he immediately stopped crying.
A stranger, a man whose face I never saw had climbed in my car through the trunk – through the glass and gotten Logan out at the same instant. I grabbed him, looked him over – we’re all okay.
I held it together while we waited, while they boarded me, put me in the ambulence, and drove my boys and I to the ER. I held it together while they checked me over and waited for someone to come get the boys. I held it together – until the boys left and went home. Then I lost it.
I’m not a ‘crier’. Not an emotional person, but that kind of fear – it’s indescribable. I shut down for a full week after that.
So how does life change when you’re hanging upside down? In every way imaginable.
I’ve lived my whole life in an absurd amount of fear. Learned behavior. A control friek by nature, uptight – scared. It was something that had diminished more and more every year that I was on my own – but apparently there is no better cure for fear then fear itself.
There is a quote that I have come to love as of late:
“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.”
I guess you could say my fear has taken a back seat. What was there to realize that day? The fact that there is truly nothing in life that I can control. Things are going to happen whether I want them to or not. Perhaps I needed to take my own advice and realize that everything happens for a reason, and everything will work itself out in the end.
I’d always been terrified of getting in a bad car accident. No idea why, I guess because I was afraid of pretty much everything. But there is a big check mark next to that box and guess what? I’m still here. It wasn’t my time to go, and thank God it wasn’t my boy’s time either. I can’t protect them from the world, or from bad things. All I can do is love them, and spend as much time with them as I can. I can’t control when my number is up, but can relish every moment I do have until (hopefully many years from now) my number does get called.
So what now? Things that were important to me on September 9th were no longer important to me on September 10th. All I care about now is having fun and being with my boys. I still want a career, a path of my own, to achieve great things – it’s in my nature, I can’t help it. But being uptight? Whatever was left of my youth of extreme-uptightness has all but gone. I just want to have fun, enjoy life, and learn to live a relaxed life.
- AM
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