2.27.12

2.3.12

It's that special time of year again when lovers gaze into each other's eyes, and singles start Googleing unique ways to kill themselves. That's right - Valentines Day. The single most volatile holiday on the American calendar.

It has been well over 5 years since I have celebrated Valentines Day, and have in the last year or two have come to dread the day all together. It is just too much pressure, and who needs that? I completely understand why guys tend to despise it so much. That one day brings a boatload of pressure to be Mr.Romantic, and the average guy tends to crack under the stress. Fear not guys, the truth is that the average girl doesn't expect, want, or need a Hollywood style over-the-top evening. A little thoughtfulness counts for a lot, and if she is important to you then it is important that you let her know that - even if you aren't "Mr.Romantic".

So swallow the anxiety guys, it is just one day and it will be over before you know it. And ladies: relax. This whole romantic season thing is difficult for the guys already, let's not make it even harder by loading on extra and unrealistic expectations. Truth is, Valentines Day - though cheezy and over-commercialized is a good time to let the people you care about know that you care about them. Everyone likes to be appreciated, so take the time to appreciate those that mean the most to you.

That's all for now!

-AM

Now is Better than all the Rest

As I thought back over the last year I started to compare Now to where I was a year or two ago, and quickly realized that the comparison was irrelevant.
I'm not who I was then, and looking to the past or future to figure out where I'm at now is completely futile.

I think it is important to have goals in life. I'm a very goal oriented person, and I do have certain goals for myself for the year. But if there is one thing that I learned from 2011 it was to be more open-ended with my "plans".

Screw plans. They're useless. A delusive tool to make us feel as though we're in control.
Goals, yes. Plans, no. Life is what happens when you're making "plans".

I have two real, tangible goals for myself for the year.
1 - Move to Denver.
If Austin, Tx and Burlington, VT had a baby it would be Denver. It is the home I have not yet had, and is the home I wish to spend my coming years in.

2 - Change this whole career thing. Can't really plan that part out. Nor am I going to worry about how/when it's going to make its metamorphosis. The best things in life aren't planned, and the whole career thing will work out on it's own. I have a great passion for design, textiles, and especially performance-apparel and I know the path will unfold itself as the year goes on.

I can't control much, but I can control how grateful I am for the things I am given. Two amazing little boys that, while trouble-makers, are the little lights of my life. I can't keep focusing on what I don't have, or what I have yet to attain - that will get me nowhere. Instead, I have set tangible yet flexible goals for myself and will let the rest fall into place.

Life without expectations yet filled with gratitude.

I am in 'transition' - and that sounds so lame. ("Everyone look out! She's in transition!") But how can things get better if they don't ever change? Let's not freak out people, change can be great, it doesn't mean that I don't have my shit together - it just means I'm brave enough to admit when things can be better.

I don't know where I'll be on 1.18.13. And it doesn't really matter. I'm happy, I'm blessed, and I'm doing everything I can to be the strong independent woman that I know that I am.

And as for my blogging duties - pardon my truancy. I promise to ramble incessantly about my experiences as the year goes on whether anyone reads it or not.

That's all for now - back to being Supermom.

-AM

4/20

I'm glad life isn't predictable. That's surprising to hear myself say - I'm a controller by nature. I like to try to plan everything out, line my ducks in a row, and have everything go according to plan. But as I sat out having drinks the other night with my best friend, a soon-to-be med school graduate she and I discussed how futile our plans were. How little we can actually plan and actually control. It is the unpredictable times that test us, that grow us, that show us who we really are and what we can really handle.

I love surprises - the good kind anyway - in any shape or form. Whether it's an unexpected email from dear friend, flowers from a loved one when hurt or feeling down, or a trip to a place I've never been. It's all great.

Life is not an agenda. It's an adventure, and adventure can't be planned it can only be found. You cannot force fun you can only feel it, live it.

Little unfolds in life the way we expect it to, but if you look back at what you've experience up until this point some of the most crucial, defining points of your life were unexpected. The greatest lessons and people we encounter in life are such because you didn't expect them, you didn't know to ask or plan for them.

We're all on an adventure, so perhaps it's time to throw the map out the window and just go where the river of life takes you. It is only on the unbeaten path that one can find their unique self, their perfect adventure.

-AM

BLACK SWAN

Last night I had the immense pleasure of finally sitting down and watching ‘Black Swan’. I’d been wanting to see it for so long not just because of the magnitude of buzz surrounding the film, but because of my 17 years of advanced classical ballet training. I had wanted to see the movie mostly because I’d heard that (for once) the ballet in the film was actually quality ballet rather than actresses trying to ‘fake it’. What the film delivered was so much more than quality ballet, it delivered an entire package that left me literally saying “wow.”

One of the things that I was most impressed with about the film was its ability to capture the ballet world. It is its own world, and Black Swan offered a rare and unique glimpse into the darkness that is its reality. Not only did it capture that world, but accurately portrayed the fact that for most ballerinas that world is their entire life – morning, noon, and night it consumes them. I was elated at their inclusion of the details of the ballet life – the breaking the shanks of the shoes, sewing the ribbons, taping the feet – the bloody and battered feet, the unhealthy obsessions. Even the over-the-top psychotic mother was not a far cry from many of the ballet moms that too get absorbed in this world.

Few people understand and appreciate the immense stress and pressure of the overly fickle ballet world. In a career where a person is an antique by the time they are 30 there is much anxiety to be found, as was portrayed (though a bit over the top) by Winona Ryder. Natalie Portman’s character ‘Nina’ plays a very typical ballerina, uptight, stressed out, under immense pressure, seeking the impossible goal of ballet perfection. Thus the unhealthy obsessions, and the main reason that I personally chose not to pursue a career as a professional dancer. Many people are aware that ballerinas are often obsessed with grossly low weights, but the reality is even worse. Many dancers are bulimic, anorexic; completely obsessed with their weight. Most smoke as many cigarettes as they can stuff in their face and coke up on a regular basis, along with countless other unhealthy obsessions that result from the immense stress and pressure. All of these things were included in the film in one way or other, and were all contributors to making this film as accurate as it was.

The main theme in the film – the part that I enjoyed the most, was the focus on Nina’s acceptance of her dark side, her ‘black swan’. As the film goes on we see her letting her inhibitions go, becoming more sexual, wild, and free – all in an effort to embrace her inner darkness and let it all out. Of course, I’m sure that this was part of what made this film so popular; the directors included a lot of sex in the film, including a lesbian oral sex scene between Nina (Natalie Portman) and another of the dancers. It all played together to create an amazing climax where Nina finally embraces her dark side, and by doing so becomes the dancer she always strived for. This theme of the white/black balance struck a particular chord with me, a theme in my life recently – the embracing of the ‘black swan’ in myself truly has pushed my art and my life to a whole new level.

I could easily go on for days about this film, as it has excited me in a whole new way. It was so refreshing to see this world and these themes so brilliantly melded together, and laid out in such an artistic manner. I wasn’t a huge fan of the gore in the film, but the rest of the movie was amazing enough that I can easily overlook it. Even for those who aren’t dancers this is a truly amazing film, not to be missed. I just hope that those who view it who aren’t dancers can grasp a new appreciation for the dark side of this seemingly glamorous world.

-AM

3.25.11

Some say there is beauty in pain.
I suppose that I would have to agree.

After all, why do we feel pain - the emotional kind?
Pain is love in it's rawest form. Our hearts notice of it's existence.
Without pain there would be no love, no appreciation for those rare moments and people in life.

It is easy to run from our problems. Human, even.
It is far more difficult to face our problems, our feelings head on.

It is easier to face a predictable enemy than an unpredictable love.

Sure, love is a battleground.
We win some and we lose some, but the great ones are always worth fighting for.

Love must be fought for.

Accept the pain that comes with love.
Love is truly worth it.
Face it. Know it is a battle worth fighting. Worth winning.

Find the boldness that lies within you and use it.
Love awaits you. Unconditionally.

2.23.2011

There are few more beautiful moments than those when you can see your life changing, when you can stop and feel a metamorphosis taking place within.

I knew going in to this year that it was going to be a game changer for me in many ways, and only a month and a half in I’m already seeing huge evidence of what I’ve felt coming for a while. I wrote a few weeks back about how my life had changed as I was ‘hanging upside down’ – and the evidence of such has shown itself in true form.

I spent this last holiday weekend in Austin, Texas – a place I lived for 11 years of my life, where my mom and some of my dearest friends live still. I was in great need of a getaway after months of crazy work hours, taking care of two toddlers full time, and numerous mental challenges I had yet to wrap my mind around. I needed some time away.

There was a time that I suffered from the most crippling fear of flying that anyone could possibly imagine. It was as embarrassing as it was debilitating. It greatly affected my life, and was something that I thought I’d have to live with forever. September 10th that all changed, or at least I felt that it had - but I wouldn’t know for sure until I was faced with it head on. I wasn’t going to live my life affected by fear anymore. We have nothing to fear but fear itself. So true.

Friday night was my time to ‘put up or shut up’. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid as I boarded that teeny tiny plane for the two hour flight to Dallas, but if you’ve ever felt the kind of fear that flying used to cause me you’d understand my motivation to move on from it. And so I did, I moved on. There is nothing more empowering than proving your own strength, than facing an obstacle and overcoming it. And when I stepped off that plane in Austin I was overwhelmed with joy, I was home – and I was free. No longer to be controlled by anyone or anything. True freedom starts in the mind.

I had an amazing weekend – no computer, no work, no kids – just me. I haven’t felt that myself in a very long time. I’d missed Austin so much – and not just the place, but the culture, the friends, and everything it represents to me.

It’s always said that ‘home is where the heart is’ – but what if pieces of your heart are spread all over the place? Home certainly isn’t the Midwest, I hate it here – but my babies are here, that’s the only reason I came back. I felt like I got a piece of my heart back when I finally went back to Austin for the first time since moving 19 months ago. Visiting Austin, my friends, family, and my Textiles buildings and professors at UT reminded me of who I am and where I’m going.

I have such massive goals for myself, personally and professionally. I’m often criticized for my desire to ‘conquer the world’, my unrealistic expectations for myself, for my drive to be the ‘one in a million’. I expect the extraordinary of myself, and couldn’t bear to live an ordinary life – an ordinary job – with ordinary expectations. And so, I continue – down my unbeaten path, to find the answer to the questions I have yet to write. I know that I can do anything I want to do, anything I set my mind to – I am my only obstacle. There is great change to come, but I face it head on, ready – waiting. And so, fear has become my ally.

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.” Robert Frost

-AM