4/20

I'm glad life isn't predictable. That's surprising to hear myself say - I'm a controller by nature. I like to try to plan everything out, line my ducks in a row, and have everything go according to plan. But as I sat out having drinks the other night with my best friend, a soon-to-be med school graduate she and I discussed how futile our plans were. How little we can actually plan and actually control. It is the unpredictable times that test us, that grow us, that show us who we really are and what we can really handle.

I love surprises - the good kind anyway - in any shape or form. Whether it's an unexpected email from dear friend, flowers from a loved one when hurt or feeling down, or a trip to a place I've never been. It's all great.

Life is not an agenda. It's an adventure, and adventure can't be planned it can only be found. You cannot force fun you can only feel it, live it.

Little unfolds in life the way we expect it to, but if you look back at what you've experience up until this point some of the most crucial, defining points of your life were unexpected. The greatest lessons and people we encounter in life are such because you didn't expect them, you didn't know to ask or plan for them.

We're all on an adventure, so perhaps it's time to throw the map out the window and just go where the river of life takes you. It is only on the unbeaten path that one can find their unique self, their perfect adventure.

-AM

BLACK SWAN

Last night I had the immense pleasure of finally sitting down and watching ‘Black Swan’. I’d been wanting to see it for so long not just because of the magnitude of buzz surrounding the film, but because of my 17 years of advanced classical ballet training. I had wanted to see the movie mostly because I’d heard that (for once) the ballet in the film was actually quality ballet rather than actresses trying to ‘fake it’. What the film delivered was so much more than quality ballet, it delivered an entire package that left me literally saying “wow.”

One of the things that I was most impressed with about the film was its ability to capture the ballet world. It is its own world, and Black Swan offered a rare and unique glimpse into the darkness that is its reality. Not only did it capture that world, but accurately portrayed the fact that for most ballerinas that world is their entire life – morning, noon, and night it consumes them. I was elated at their inclusion of the details of the ballet life – the breaking the shanks of the shoes, sewing the ribbons, taping the feet – the bloody and battered feet, the unhealthy obsessions. Even the over-the-top psychotic mother was not a far cry from many of the ballet moms that too get absorbed in this world.

Few people understand and appreciate the immense stress and pressure of the overly fickle ballet world. In a career where a person is an antique by the time they are 30 there is much anxiety to be found, as was portrayed (though a bit over the top) by Winona Ryder. Natalie Portman’s character ‘Nina’ plays a very typical ballerina, uptight, stressed out, under immense pressure, seeking the impossible goal of ballet perfection. Thus the unhealthy obsessions, and the main reason that I personally chose not to pursue a career as a professional dancer. Many people are aware that ballerinas are often obsessed with grossly low weights, but the reality is even worse. Many dancers are bulimic, anorexic; completely obsessed with their weight. Most smoke as many cigarettes as they can stuff in their face and coke up on a regular basis, along with countless other unhealthy obsessions that result from the immense stress and pressure. All of these things were included in the film in one way or other, and were all contributors to making this film as accurate as it was.

The main theme in the film – the part that I enjoyed the most, was the focus on Nina’s acceptance of her dark side, her ‘black swan’. As the film goes on we see her letting her inhibitions go, becoming more sexual, wild, and free – all in an effort to embrace her inner darkness and let it all out. Of course, I’m sure that this was part of what made this film so popular; the directors included a lot of sex in the film, including a lesbian oral sex scene between Nina (Natalie Portman) and another of the dancers. It all played together to create an amazing climax where Nina finally embraces her dark side, and by doing so becomes the dancer she always strived for. This theme of the white/black balance struck a particular chord with me, a theme in my life recently – the embracing of the ‘black swan’ in myself truly has pushed my art and my life to a whole new level.

I could easily go on for days about this film, as it has excited me in a whole new way. It was so refreshing to see this world and these themes so brilliantly melded together, and laid out in such an artistic manner. I wasn’t a huge fan of the gore in the film, but the rest of the movie was amazing enough that I can easily overlook it. Even for those who aren’t dancers this is a truly amazing film, not to be missed. I just hope that those who view it who aren’t dancers can grasp a new appreciation for the dark side of this seemingly glamorous world.

-AM