4/20

I'm glad life isn't predictable. That's surprising to hear myself say - I'm a controller by nature. I like to try to plan everything out, line my ducks in a row, and have everything go according to plan. But as I sat out having drinks the other night with my best friend, a soon-to-be med school graduate she and I discussed how futile our plans were. How little we can actually plan and actually control. It is the unpredictable times that test us, that grow us, that show us who we really are and what we can really handle.

I love surprises - the good kind anyway - in any shape or form. Whether it's an unexpected email from dear friend, flowers from a loved one when hurt or feeling down, or a trip to a place I've never been. It's all great.

Life is not an agenda. It's an adventure, and adventure can't be planned it can only be found. You cannot force fun you can only feel it, live it.

Little unfolds in life the way we expect it to, but if you look back at what you've experience up until this point some of the most crucial, defining points of your life were unexpected. The greatest lessons and people we encounter in life are such because you didn't expect them, you didn't know to ask or plan for them.

We're all on an adventure, so perhaps it's time to throw the map out the window and just go where the river of life takes you. It is only on the unbeaten path that one can find their unique self, their perfect adventure.

-AM

BLACK SWAN

Last night I had the immense pleasure of finally sitting down and watching ‘Black Swan’. I’d been wanting to see it for so long not just because of the magnitude of buzz surrounding the film, but because of my 17 years of advanced classical ballet training. I had wanted to see the movie mostly because I’d heard that (for once) the ballet in the film was actually quality ballet rather than actresses trying to ‘fake it’. What the film delivered was so much more than quality ballet, it delivered an entire package that left me literally saying “wow.”

One of the things that I was most impressed with about the film was its ability to capture the ballet world. It is its own world, and Black Swan offered a rare and unique glimpse into the darkness that is its reality. Not only did it capture that world, but accurately portrayed the fact that for most ballerinas that world is their entire life – morning, noon, and night it consumes them. I was elated at their inclusion of the details of the ballet life – the breaking the shanks of the shoes, sewing the ribbons, taping the feet – the bloody and battered feet, the unhealthy obsessions. Even the over-the-top psychotic mother was not a far cry from many of the ballet moms that too get absorbed in this world.

Few people understand and appreciate the immense stress and pressure of the overly fickle ballet world. In a career where a person is an antique by the time they are 30 there is much anxiety to be found, as was portrayed (though a bit over the top) by Winona Ryder. Natalie Portman’s character ‘Nina’ plays a very typical ballerina, uptight, stressed out, under immense pressure, seeking the impossible goal of ballet perfection. Thus the unhealthy obsessions, and the main reason that I personally chose not to pursue a career as a professional dancer. Many people are aware that ballerinas are often obsessed with grossly low weights, but the reality is even worse. Many dancers are bulimic, anorexic; completely obsessed with their weight. Most smoke as many cigarettes as they can stuff in their face and coke up on a regular basis, along with countless other unhealthy obsessions that result from the immense stress and pressure. All of these things were included in the film in one way or other, and were all contributors to making this film as accurate as it was.

The main theme in the film – the part that I enjoyed the most, was the focus on Nina’s acceptance of her dark side, her ‘black swan’. As the film goes on we see her letting her inhibitions go, becoming more sexual, wild, and free – all in an effort to embrace her inner darkness and let it all out. Of course, I’m sure that this was part of what made this film so popular; the directors included a lot of sex in the film, including a lesbian oral sex scene between Nina (Natalie Portman) and another of the dancers. It all played together to create an amazing climax where Nina finally embraces her dark side, and by doing so becomes the dancer she always strived for. This theme of the white/black balance struck a particular chord with me, a theme in my life recently – the embracing of the ‘black swan’ in myself truly has pushed my art and my life to a whole new level.

I could easily go on for days about this film, as it has excited me in a whole new way. It was so refreshing to see this world and these themes so brilliantly melded together, and laid out in such an artistic manner. I wasn’t a huge fan of the gore in the film, but the rest of the movie was amazing enough that I can easily overlook it. Even for those who aren’t dancers this is a truly amazing film, not to be missed. I just hope that those who view it who aren’t dancers can grasp a new appreciation for the dark side of this seemingly glamorous world.

-AM

3.25.11

Some say there is beauty in pain.
I suppose that I would have to agree.

After all, why do we feel pain - the emotional kind?
Pain is love in it's rawest form. Our hearts notice of it's existence.
Without pain there would be no love, no appreciation for those rare moments and people in life.

It is easy to run from our problems. Human, even.
It is far more difficult to face our problems, our feelings head on.

It is easier to face a predictable enemy than an unpredictable love.

Sure, love is a battleground.
We win some and we lose some, but the great ones are always worth fighting for.

Love must be fought for.

Accept the pain that comes with love.
Love is truly worth it.
Face it. Know it is a battle worth fighting. Worth winning.

Find the boldness that lies within you and use it.
Love awaits you. Unconditionally.

2.23.2011

There are few more beautiful moments than those when you can see your life changing, when you can stop and feel a metamorphosis taking place within.

I knew going in to this year that it was going to be a game changer for me in many ways, and only a month and a half in I’m already seeing huge evidence of what I’ve felt coming for a while. I wrote a few weeks back about how my life had changed as I was ‘hanging upside down’ – and the evidence of such has shown itself in true form.

I spent this last holiday weekend in Austin, Texas – a place I lived for 11 years of my life, where my mom and some of my dearest friends live still. I was in great need of a getaway after months of crazy work hours, taking care of two toddlers full time, and numerous mental challenges I had yet to wrap my mind around. I needed some time away.

There was a time that I suffered from the most crippling fear of flying that anyone could possibly imagine. It was as embarrassing as it was debilitating. It greatly affected my life, and was something that I thought I’d have to live with forever. September 10th that all changed, or at least I felt that it had - but I wouldn’t know for sure until I was faced with it head on. I wasn’t going to live my life affected by fear anymore. We have nothing to fear but fear itself. So true.

Friday night was my time to ‘put up or shut up’. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid as I boarded that teeny tiny plane for the two hour flight to Dallas, but if you’ve ever felt the kind of fear that flying used to cause me you’d understand my motivation to move on from it. And so I did, I moved on. There is nothing more empowering than proving your own strength, than facing an obstacle and overcoming it. And when I stepped off that plane in Austin I was overwhelmed with joy, I was home – and I was free. No longer to be controlled by anyone or anything. True freedom starts in the mind.

I had an amazing weekend – no computer, no work, no kids – just me. I haven’t felt that myself in a very long time. I’d missed Austin so much – and not just the place, but the culture, the friends, and everything it represents to me.

It’s always said that ‘home is where the heart is’ – but what if pieces of your heart are spread all over the place? Home certainly isn’t the Midwest, I hate it here – but my babies are here, that’s the only reason I came back. I felt like I got a piece of my heart back when I finally went back to Austin for the first time since moving 19 months ago. Visiting Austin, my friends, family, and my Textiles buildings and professors at UT reminded me of who I am and where I’m going.

I have such massive goals for myself, personally and professionally. I’m often criticized for my desire to ‘conquer the world’, my unrealistic expectations for myself, for my drive to be the ‘one in a million’. I expect the extraordinary of myself, and couldn’t bear to live an ordinary life – an ordinary job – with ordinary expectations. And so, I continue – down my unbeaten path, to find the answer to the questions I have yet to write. I know that I can do anything I want to do, anything I set my mind to – I am my only obstacle. There is great change to come, but I face it head on, ready – waiting. And so, fear has become my ally.

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.” Robert Frost

-AM

The Glass Ceiling

The role of women in American society has been a topic of interest for decades. With continual changes in the general attitude toward women's place in the home and work it is easy to see how women still face challenges in figuring out how to balance the different aspects of womanhood.

I often wonder what people think when they see moms out during the day with their young kids – at the park, store, or wherever. What is the general societal attitude toward the stay at home mom? It’s occurred to me since I’ve become a work at home mom that there is little to no respect for the women who stay at home and raise their children. Even myself, starting my business, working my butt off day in and day out all the while raising two children gets little credit in the eyes of others.

It occurred to me this week while I was at Starbucks with a girlfriend that some of the most educated, intelligent women I know are stay at home moms. You might see them out at the grocery store, wiping snotty noses, or changing poopy diapers – but they are educated women, perhaps with degrees from top universities – yet here they are wiping butts in their spare time.

The most common challenge that myself and fellow moms face is the balance between the work and home, a choice that men are never forced to make. While a man can pick and keep his career, women are expected to support the home and somehow squeeze themselves into the mix. Every mom I know searches for ways to express herself, make her own money, and follow her own path – all the while trying to run a home and bond with her children, feeling torn the entire time.

It is an uphill battle - I climb it every day. But as a true ‘dreamer’ I refuse to believe that anything is impossible. I live every day trying to prove that one can be a successful business woman and a great mom. Why should I have to choose? Why should I have to stop dreaming and give up on success?

I for one will never look at a mom the same way again. Next time you see a mom carrying a screaming kid, or wiping a snotty nose, remember that she may be one of the most educated, intelligent women you’ll never meet – who is making a huge sacrifice to be with her children.

I guess being a mom really does teach me new things every day.

That’s all for now – back to being Supermom.

-AM

1.13.10

Being a Taurus Cusp (aka the Cusp of Power), I have a constant need to create - a passion for art, culture, design, and dance. I'm not happy unless my inner designer is being fed. My Etsy shop feeds this a bit - but for the most part I'm making the same few things over and over with that.

The last two weeks I've been a bit low, and as always the cure remains the same. So last night after I put the boys to bed, I sat alone with my dogs and created. I turned on some inspiring tunes, wiped the dust off of my art supplies and got to drawing again.

I'm not an extremely talented artist in the drawing sense, but I had so much fun with it, and that's all that matters.

I love to create, to move, to dance, to design, to love. I'm only happy when I am doing these things. When I am sad, or stressed - this and great friends are the best cure. I may hate Iowa - and be counting the days until I get to move back to the East Coast, but I have been blessed with some very good friends here - and for that I am truly thankful.

- AM

How Life Changes When You’re Hanging Upside Down.

I saw a flash of movement to the right, and for only a millisecond saw the warning of what was about to happen.
A blurr. I could see my windows, but all that was beyond them was white. When I started to be able to focus I could see out of my window, but just barely – it was textured somehow, not clear like before.

‘Oh my god, we’re upside down!’ The realization hit me like a right hook. I put my hand on the roof instinctively, in a futile effort to keep the ceiling from crushing me. It had never occurred to me before this how close the roof of my SUV was to my head.
‘When are we going to stop sliding?’ I thought to myself; fear, panic, and an odd awareness filled me.
‘You’re all okay. You’re okay. You’re okay. . . ‘ it was loud and clear.

When we stopped sliding I didn’t pause for a moment. I don’t remember un-buckling my seat belt. I don’t even know if I did. I couldn’t see clearly, and yet – I was hyper-aware, my senses filling me.
That’s when my children started to scream.
‘It’s okay, mommy’s here – it’s okay honey, just hang on – mommy’s here – it’s okay – I’m right here. . . ‘
I tried to get out my side, but I was sitting on the ceiling in a pile of glass. The door won’t open. (Automatic locks.) I put my hand on the window – my vision so blurred I had to touch to see if it was there. Damn – it’s still there. I looked over and saw the passenger window blown out. I shot across the ceiling, through the glass, out the broken window. I didn’t care if it was jagged, if I was bleeding, I had to get to my kids.

As soon as I got out I saw about a dozen people walking toward the car. Why are they walking? I thought, extremely irritated.

‘MY KIDS ARE STILL IN THERE’ – I shouted to them. That got them running.

I immediately tried to open my older son’s door. It wouldn't open - Automatic locks again. Window didn’t break.

I could hear the baby screaming. Two people were trying to get at Logan, so I ran around to get the baby out. He was hanging upside down in his car seat. Reaching to me, screaming. It was extremely difficult to get him out upside down, his weight against the belts made them lock up. There was a man there trying to get him out but he couldn’t. I could see Logan on the other side of the car. He was looking at me, red-faced, screaming ‘mommy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.’ I tore through the belts and pulled Luke out the shattered window – he immediately stopped crying.

A stranger, a man whose face I never saw had climbed in my car through the trunk – through the glass and gotten Logan out at the same instant. I grabbed him, looked him over – we’re all okay.

I held it together while we waited, while they boarded me, put me in the ambulence, and drove my boys and I to the ER. I held it together while they checked me over and waited for someone to come get the boys. I held it together – until the boys left and went home. Then I lost it.

I’m not a ‘crier’. Not an emotional person, but that kind of fear – it’s indescribable. I shut down for a full week after that.



So how does life change when you’re hanging upside down? In every way imaginable.

I’ve lived my whole life in an absurd amount of fear. Learned behavior. A control friek by nature, uptight – scared. It was something that had diminished more and more every year that I was on my own – but apparently there is no better cure for fear then fear itself.

There is a quote that I have come to love as of late:
“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.”

I guess you could say my fear has taken a back seat. What was there to realize that day? The fact that there is truly nothing in life that I can control. Things are going to happen whether I want them to or not. Perhaps I needed to take my own advice and realize that everything happens for a reason, and everything will work itself out in the end.

I’d always been terrified of getting in a bad car accident. No idea why, I guess because I was afraid of pretty much everything. But there is a big check mark next to that box and guess what? I’m still here. It wasn’t my time to go, and thank God it wasn’t my boy’s time either. I can’t protect them from the world, or from bad things. All I can do is love them, and spend as much time with them as I can. I can’t control when my number is up, but can relish every moment I do have until (hopefully many years from now) my number does get called.

So what now? Things that were important to me on September 9th were no longer important to me on September 10th. All I care about now is having fun and being with my boys. I still want a career, a path of my own, to achieve great things – it’s in my nature, I can’t help it. But being uptight? Whatever was left of my youth of extreme-uptightness has all but gone. I just want to have fun, enjoy life, and learn to live a relaxed life.

- AM