There are few more beautiful moments than those when you can see your life changing, when you can stop and feel a metamorphosis taking place within.
I knew going in to this year that it was going to be a game changer for me in many ways, and only a month and a half in I’m already seeing huge evidence of what I’ve felt coming for a while. I wrote a few weeks back about how my life had changed as I was ‘hanging upside down’ – and the evidence of such has shown itself in true form.
I spent this last holiday weekend in Austin, Texas – a place I lived for 11 years of my life, where my mom and some of my dearest friends live still. I was in great need of a getaway after months of crazy work hours, taking care of two toddlers full time, and numerous mental challenges I had yet to wrap my mind around. I needed some time away.
There was a time that I suffered from the most crippling fear of flying that anyone could possibly imagine. It was as embarrassing as it was debilitating. It greatly affected my life, and was something that I thought I’d have to live with forever. September 10th that all changed, or at least I felt that it had - but I wouldn’t know for sure until I was faced with it head on. I wasn’t going to live my life affected by fear anymore. We have nothing to fear but fear itself. So true.
Friday night was my time to ‘put up or shut up’. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid as I boarded that teeny tiny plane for the two hour flight to Dallas, but if you’ve ever felt the kind of fear that flying used to cause me you’d understand my motivation to move on from it. And so I did, I moved on. There is nothing more empowering than proving your own strength, than facing an obstacle and overcoming it. And when I stepped off that plane in Austin I was overwhelmed with joy, I was home – and I was free. No longer to be controlled by anyone or anything. True freedom starts in the mind.
I had an amazing weekend – no computer, no work, no kids – just me. I haven’t felt that myself in a very long time. I’d missed Austin so much – and not just the place, but the culture, the friends, and everything it represents to me.
It’s always said that ‘home is where the heart is’ – but what if pieces of your heart are spread all over the place? Home certainly isn’t the Midwest, I hate it here – but my babies are here, that’s the only reason I came back. I felt like I got a piece of my heart back when I finally went back to Austin for the first time since moving 19 months ago. Visiting Austin, my friends, family, and my Textiles buildings and professors at UT reminded me of who I am and where I’m going.
I have such massive goals for myself, personally and professionally. I’m often criticized for my desire to ‘conquer the world’, my unrealistic expectations for myself, for my drive to be the ‘one in a million’. I expect the extraordinary of myself, and couldn’t bear to live an ordinary life – an ordinary job – with ordinary expectations. And so, I continue – down my unbeaten path, to find the answer to the questions I have yet to write. I know that I can do anything I want to do, anything I set my mind to – I am my only obstacle. There is great change to come, but I face it head on, ready – waiting. And so, fear has become my ally.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.” Robert Frost
-AM
